the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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