Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
