I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
4 words: hood of his car
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
