mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
