K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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