Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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