Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
