Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
