omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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