Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
