there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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