Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
