1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
