i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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