Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
