dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
