TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize