Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize