so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
