I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
