The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
