i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
