Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
