Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
