Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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