The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
