One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize