Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I feel like a drive thru vagina
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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