Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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