You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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