It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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