I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
