I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
