I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize