your thong is hanging out like whoa
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
