Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
