I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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