she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
