You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
