on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
