All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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