I forgot how hot balto sounded
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
