I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
