This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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