Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
