super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
