mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
