If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
