I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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