You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My breasts were aching with rage.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
