Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
