I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
