She went from zero to smokin in five shots
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
