My cat gives me a boner
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Randomize