god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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