Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
