i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
