Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
