god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
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