I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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