I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
